How Not To Teach Sex Ed

I have a greater tendency than most people to blurt out things that can be misconstrued in the worst of ways.  For example, instead of just saying, “I feel like making a mocha latte,” I might say, “I need something hot and creamy tonight,” and then think, “whoops!” while everyone else laughs at me.  This is partially the result of being ridiculously innocent (I once thought a baggie of pot I found in a friend’s car was tea leaves), and partially a serious case of foot-in-mouth disease.

Not for little old ladies.

Most of my friends find this endearing and comical.  But in some professional situations, it’s a real problem, like the time I accidentally caused a roomful of 12-year-old kids to shout “PENIS PENIS PENIS!” at me.

I had a student teaching placement at a Catholic secondary school in Scotland, and being a biology teacher, I had to teach the reproduction curriculum to a bunch of 12-year-olds.  Fortunately we’d done plant reproduction first, so I’d managed to get them to say “sperm” without falling about laughing.

Although in some lessons, we struggled not to acknowledge the obvious.

But they were still absurdly giggly, so I schemed up a genius idea to teach them that reproductive anatomy was just more biology.  I made a Power Point slide of a man, a woman, and a fish.  They were not involved in reproduction so stop worrying that you’ve been missing something for all these years.

Well, if the fish aren't biting...

 It was just a fish diagram so I could get some kids to say “dorsal fin”.  The clever bit, I thought, was that I could get various labels to flash up on the screen and I could get my students to shout them out—like AORTA! and PECTORAL FIN! and BICEPS! and then when they least expected it, SCROTUM!

The ladies call me Mr. Fish.

And thus I would show them that these words were no more special than any other.

However, it didn’t work.  A group of hyperactive, cooped-up 12-year-olds is not going to lightly give up the opportunity to snigger at the word penis.

So I decided it was time for the nuclear option, of embarrassing them into stolidity and silence.  I remembered being in school for health class in the 90’s and the teacher making us stand up one by one and say, “Penis penis penis.  Vagina vagina vagina.”  And after two or three kids had done that, we’d pretty much pulled ourselves together and shut up.

This class didn’t pull it together.  The first girl I picked laughed her way through it.  The second girl I picked was mortified with her hands covering her face as the rest of the kids laughed at her.  So I put on my best teacher face, raised an admonishing hand, and began to say, “Now, everyone, you shouldn’t laugh at your classmates when they’re given a difficult assignment, and the next person who laughs is going to have to stand up themselves… blah blah stern talking-to blah…”

But the kids only let me get as far as “Now everyone…” before, in enthusiastic unison, they yelled, “PENIS PENIS PENIS! VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA!” as I tried in horror to stop them.

All together now!

For days I lived in fear that one of my bosses had heard it down the hall, but I seem to have escaped unscathed.  Relatively.